I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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