I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
