saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
