Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
