I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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