I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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