So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
