this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
