sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
