Just cropdusted the office
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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