I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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