saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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