the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
