Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
