I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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