dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
