Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
