Please, let me fuck your mom
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
