Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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