I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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