if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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