oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
