Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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