recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
