ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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