I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
