They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im six kinds of drunk right now
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
