highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
