I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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