Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Green mimosas i think yes
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
