his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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