OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
