Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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