so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize