I wannas sexs uuuuu
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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