I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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