Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
