so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
