Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
