Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
