I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
