I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
