Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
