So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also, beer. Big fan.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
