I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
sarcasm needs its own font
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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