Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
