I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
