I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
