I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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