it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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