I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
