I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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