Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
