Where did you get a picture of my penis
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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