I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
