I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
