He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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