In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
