I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
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