FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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