Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
