My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
