how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
