I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
